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Texas Beetle:
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce ...
... at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"
"Check this out ... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "You Got Me out of the Shower to Tell Me That?!"
VW Beetle Dead Battery:
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had a manual transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...
The 3 people:
There where 3 people in a car named Poop,Manners and Shut up.Shut up was driving Poop and Manners where messing around in the back.Then Manners pushed Poop out the window.''Manners go get Poop''.said Shut up. ''Ok''So he jumped out the window.''haha'',laughed Shut up.Then he drove filly fast.Then a cop stoped him and said'' what is your name''?''Shut up''.The offiser got rilly mad ''where is your manners''? ''Down the road picking up poop''
710 cap:
The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and ask for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said it's a VW.
"OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?," we asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there." One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she wrote it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said "I think you want an "OIL" cap." She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so funny about it.
Tiger Woods tees:
Tiger Woods drives his VW Golf into a petrol station near Dublin while on vacation. Ole, putting air in his tire, greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is. "Top o' da morning to you young fella!"
As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey son?", asks Ole. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would dey be for den?", inquires Ole. "They're for resting my balls on while I am driving," says Tiger Woods. "Jaysus",says Ole, "Dem boys at VW just tink of everything!"
Radar:
This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of The bridge and pulls him over. The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work." 'What do you do?" The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop says, 'What? A rectum stretcher?" The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers ... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide." The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?" "Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge"
A blonde in a classic Porsche is towed into a gas station. The mechanic asks, "What's the problem?" She says, "I don't know, it just conked out." After he works on it a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten. She asks, "What was wrong with it?" The mechanic replies, "No big problem, just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How many times a week do I have to do that?"
1. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
2. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
3. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
4. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
5. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
6. Keep honking while I reload.
7. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
8. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
9. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, an amusement park.
10. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
11. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
12. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
14. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
15. Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
16. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
17. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
18. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
19. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
20. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
21.Horn Broke....Watch for finger!
22.Armed pitbull with aids on board.
23.I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.
How to change oil:
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
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Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
Question and Answers:
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't get my license plate number!
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your Car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Being too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd lose my buzz.
Q: How would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?
A: I'd have to drive illegally.
Q: What is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?
A: If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
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